Lately I have found a way to indulge myself in the everyday hardships of growing up. Even at almost 25 years old, I still feel like an innocent child trying to find her way...
It seems that everyone is struggling. I saw the tears in a friends' eyes last night as he told me everything in his heart that made him question his worth...He looked to me for love and compassion. In helping him, I find my way...
Only in holding and embracing others do we truly feel as though we are not alone. That we have meaning. That it wont always be this way. Selfishness is the killer of happiness.
In some way or form, we are all needing or expecting something incredible to happen. We wait for a word, a look, an event or a sign that brings everything together. Lately it feels like I have not been myself. I fear more things now than I ever have, and one hurtful word or action is enough to make my heart cave...I do things that I know are not right just to justify the confusion inside of me. But I believe that I am not alone. That everyone feels this way. That, I am brave. I am loved. The hardest thing in this life is to live in it.. we have to be strong, and live. I get so tired of fighting that many times I lay awake in bed till 2am, staring at the art I have made on my walls... contemplating and crying. Then, I wake up, and continue breathing....
You are not alone...Somewhere out there, there is someone feeling the same way you do. Alone and grasping on to one hope.
I thought that when I got older, it would all make more sense. that maybe I wouldnt be affected by my father anymore...My foundation as a child was born on crutches, and I have fought so hard to be strong enough to stand on my own. Unbreakable and proud. This I have accomplished. I see the look of hope and will in my friends' eyes. or how warm I feel when they hug me. I hear the sound my guitar makes when I hit the right chord, or the look on my beautiful moms face when she is riding her horse. I see the strength, will and hope in my brothers heart when he is on stage expressing himself through his music. I see the completion and joy in my musician friends when they are on stage doing what makes them feel whole.
I have learned to not only live for my own happiness, but through the people that I love.
It helps more than one could imagine. Its easy to get caught up in the confusion and fear in the world... But if we observe a quiet moment and take a deep breath, and forget about ourselves, we can become a part of someone elses happiness. For me, thats enough...Because we are all connected. We all share the same love, the same joys and pains...
I Know that it is possible. That one day, I will find love, happiness and finally be a nurse and help others.
"One day" is the key word. Its obvious to me now that we have to constantly work on making our "one day" happen. Everyday is a struggle just to be. Just getting through the next moment...and the one after that... Knowing all that could have been and has yet to be...
I find Tiffany though music, love, running, crying, giving, kissing, hoping, holding, dreaming, bravery, innocence, loyalty, honesty and candor.. Where do you find the real you? Never lose it. These are the things we have that define us, that make us unbreakable...
The trick is to keep breathing...
